7/11/2023 0 Comments Conflict and mindset collaboratory![]() You don’t talk and refrain from expressing your needs or discussing the other person’s needs. Your communication is virtually non-existent. So you pretend that there is no conflict by withdrawing, walking away or delaying any discussion and saying to yourself: ‘What conflict?’ You think that by being silent you can save the relationship.īy using this style you opt for an ‘I Lose, You Lose’ situation. In fact you hope that by ignoring the conflict it may just go away. If you have an avoiding style when confronted with conflict, you actually don’t want to know about the conflict at all. This style can therefore be quite harmful for your own wellbeing. In addition, your relationships remain superficial because you don’t tell people what is important for you. You may feel that people use you and walk all over you. Your failure to express your needs eats away at you and causes stress. Resenting yourself affects your self-esteem over time. You basically sacrifice your own needs for the sake of harmony with the people around you. The price you pay is that you feel bad about not standing up for yourself. The disadvantage is that by focusing on the needs of others you ignore your own. The relationships you have with others remain intact and all seems well – on the surface that is. You find it important to be liked by others and as long as they get their way they will like you. Also, by letting go of your own needs you don’t have to engage in difficult and painful conversations with others. The advantage of this style is that any conflict in your life is solved quickly. People see you as a people pleaser who goes along with the suggestions and needs of others. Your communication style will come across as diplomatic and friendly you won’t ruffle any feathers. In this style you opt for the ‘You Win - I Lose’ option. You have little desire to win the conflict in fact you would rather give in than make a big fuss so that everyone can move on and go back to business as usual. Because conflict distresses you, you will do anything in your power to make it disappear. If you have an accommodating style when confronted with conflict, you perceive conflict as an uncomfortable situation that needs to be resolved in a peaceful way as quickly as possible. So your ‘I Win - You Lose’ approach can be counterproductive. However, and maybe when you will least expect it, the grudge bearer will pay you back by undermining you in subtle ways, or confronting you openly when triggered. People can build and hold resentment over a long period of time. They likely will hold a grudge against you, and this will fester. The other person whose needs are not met will be upset, even if they do not share this with you. ![]() However the price you pay is a damaged or destroyed relationship. The advantage of this conflict style is that you get what you want in a quick and easy way and it is clear for everyone who is in charge. People see you as someone with little or no respect for others. Your communication style will come across as aggressive and intimidating. In this style you decide to go for the ‘I Win - You Lose’ option. You concentrate on your own needs and are less concerned with the needs of others. And because of your competitive nature, you definitely want to be on the winning side. ![]() If you have a forcing style you see conflict as a competition, complete with winners and losers. The styles are linked to animals and even though we commonly use more than one style, we tend to have a dominant one. However you will find that some styles deal more constructively with conflict than others and that the consequences for your relationship with the other person and for your relationship with yourself differ per style. It’s no use to judge people for their particular style. Your style may change depending on the situation you find yourself in or on the intensity of the conflict. There are five basic ways that people behave when they respond to conflict: In our response lies our growth and freedom’ ~ Victor Frankl In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. ![]() ‘Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
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